First, man made fire; shortly thereafter he slew a wildebeest and laid its succulent hind legs over the roaring flame and invented BBQ. Upon savoring the rich perfection of roasted flesh, he knew the only way to make it better would be to invite his friends over to the cave so they too could partake in this delicious celebration of life. Sharing food immediately became one of mankind’s most treasured traditions; so much so that we still begin each year with anticipation of the warm weather so that we may continue to sit outside and share the charbroiled remnants of the day’s kill.
While the tradition of sharing remains strong, we’ve arrived at a point in our evolution where men are neither expected nor encouraged to share their meals with each other. In today’s world of dining and drinking, a man’s plate is sacred and the sharing of small, bite-sized foods is an unforgivable transgression punishable only by ridicule and disdainful gazes from nearby diners.
Luckily, CavemanUnbound has developed a safe, manly way for guys to comfortably share appetizers while waiting for their steaks and burgers to arrive at the table. Here’s our easy-to-follow guide for sharing appetizers without compromising manliness:
1. Never reach across the table – it shows desperation and lack of self-control. Instead, demonstrate discipline and wait for your turn with the plate.
2. Never share the plate – use the small appetizer plates that they give you; don’t be an animal.
3. Never allow two hands in at the same time – because you never want to softly caress another man’s fingertips while reaching in for a nacho.
4. Whoever puts his hand in while someone else is eating has to buy the next round of drinks – a small price to pay for such a serious offense.
5. Always get separate dipping sauces – because no one wants to see a group of grown men fighting over the last dollop of blue cheese.
6. Respect dibs on the last wing – obviously.
7. You can’t be sitting across from each other at the table – it looks like you’re on a date; unless you are on a date, then none of this would apply.
8. Never talk about the fact that you’re all sharing an appetizer – don’t mention it, don’t acknowledge it, don’t even think about.
9. There has to be a group of girls sitting at least two tables away – close enough to check out yet far enough for them not to notice you and your bros sharing an appetizer.
10. There should be at least four empty beer bottles on the table – because after a few beers you really shouldn’t care that you’re sharing an app with your boys.
Following this simple steps will help you continue to partake in the tradition of sharing small foods with your boys while still feeling like a man.
*Disclaimer: These rules do not apply to desserts! There is no sharing of desserts!